The Ten: Outcomes from a Justin Bieber vs. Tom Cruise Fight

Justin Bieber put his big boy pants on and threw an ill-advised Twitter challenge at the immortal Tom Cruise. What was he thinking?

“I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon,” Bieber wrote. “Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite?”

Not only was this tweet out of left field and grammatically garbage, it was clearly done under the influence of illegal drugs or immediately following a root canal. Justin Bieber, while looking the part, couldn’t beat an egg. Tom Cruise is a seasoned action-film veteran who hasn’t aged in the last two decades. This would not be a fair fight. It would likely end the young Canadian’s career from sheer embarrassment, and Tom Cruise would sign another ten movie deal to continue playing Ethan Hunt before leaving the cage.

We at Project-Nerd have channeled our inner Stephen Strange. We have used our time stone and have looked at the 14,000,605 possible futures where the fight happens and have decided to share our ten favorite outcomes. Away we go!


10. “Baby, Baby, Baby OH NO!”

I hope you’re all ready for terrible pop song title puns. They’re gonna happen. Embrace it.

Bieber trips over his gold chain that hangs lower than his 5’9” frame. Falling into the crowd barrier, at which time he is yanked over by a group of 40+ year old mom groupies, the Biebs is unable to continue.

Tom Cruise wins.


9. “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you”

The two fighters, adorned in their sequined tasseled shorts, meet in the middle of the ring. The two touch gloves and Maverick leans in. In a soft whisper, he tells JB, “My pre-fight routine included your mother.” Justin Bieber collapses in a ball of tears. Without a punch thrown, Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone” blares over the PA system as Tom’s hand is raised in victory.

Tom Cruise wins.


8. “Love Yourself”

Justin Bieber gets mesmerized by his new tattoo of a narwal on his neck as he stares longingly into his dressing room mirror. Days pass. No fight.

Tom Cruise wins.


7. “Rubbin, son, is racin’”

TC in the blue corner, JB in the red corner. Referee Big John McCarthy has spoken with both fighters, and they understand the rules. “Touch gloves and go to your corner,” he instructs. TC holds out his gloves, JB hammers down from above and nothing moves. Justin Bieber, the look of terror in his eyes, walks to his corner. As he turns, the bell rings. He gives one labored hop and collapses on the mat grasping at his hamstring. “MEDIC!” he screams. He can no longer carry on.

Tom Cruise wins.


6. “Selena Gomez”

During weigh-ins, as Dana White asks for questions, from the back of the room Selena Gomez screams “I’m pregnant!!” JB looks at TC. Cruise smiles… Justin Bieber heads back to his hotel and never returns. Still missing, his face is plastered on milk cartons and TMZ goes out of business. Canada mourns.

Tom Cruise wins.


5. “Beauty and the beatdown”

Round one is five minutes of an unorthodox ballet as Tom Cruise chases a nimble and spry Justin Bieber around the octagon. Bieber considers throwing a punch, but feigns and dances away. He really can dance. Round two is much of the same. Cruise gets in close, Bieber feels his breath, and down he goes. Hammer fists until the stoppage.

Tom Cruise wins.


4. “Risky Business”

In a bizarre turn of events, Tom Cruise agrees to the fight on one condition. He has to tie an arm behind his back. Vegas had him as a huge favorite in the fight, and since TC is a man for giving a show, he evened the odds by losing an arm. At 3:15 of round one, Cruise lands a head kick. Bieber is out. The risky move pays off, Vegas goes bankrupt.

Tom Cruise wins.


3. “Die in your arms” AKA “Hold tight”

After two brutal rounds where the two are exchanging punch for punch, Cruise and Bieber get tied up against the fence. What begins as a battle for positioning is transforming into a softer, more awkward embrace as Bieber voluntarily gives Cruise his back. Cruise, puzzled, locks in the rear naked choke. Bieber smiles as eyes roll back into his head. Stoppage due to rear naked choke.

Tom Cruise wins.


2. “Show me the money”

Tom Cruise only agrees to the fight on the condition that the two fight in the octagon on top of all of the money raised from pay-per-view sales. Once the 15th dump truck full of money is emptied, the bell rings and the two slowly make their way toward one another. Halfway across the ring, Justin Bieber disappears. His porcelain, translucent skin can’t handle the sharp edges of the crisp American currency. He perishes in the octagon as a victim of “death by a thousand cuts”. Canada sues America and wins. They now own Montana.

Tom Cruise wins.


1. “Eyes swollen shut”

After five rounds of action, the fight goes to the judges. The scores, 48-47, 47-48, 48-47, with the winner by split decision… Justin Bieber? A stunned silence fills the arena. The crowd is dumbfounded because the fight was not that close. Dana White looks at the judges’ table. Justin Trudeau, Celine Dion, and Kiefer Sutherland each give him two thumbs up. It takes days for the crowd to leave the arena. Canada throws a party that rivals moose hunting season. All 38 people in Canada rejoice as America looks for the next actor to play Charlie Babbitt in a Rainman reboot. Trey Parker and Matt Stone become battlefield correspondents as America and Canada mobilize their military. North Dakota becomes a major military mobilization center. Canadian and American leadership negotiate trade terms to secure Mexico as an ally. Nuclear war is the only option. The entire continent is decimated. Queen Elizabeth chuckles then smirks as she passes away quietly in the night.

Nobody wins… Nobody.


Well folks, there you have it. How did we do? Any other outcomes we might have missed? Let us know in the comments.

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