The New ‘NEW 52’!
With the New 52 initiative now retired from the covers of DC’s catalog, what is next for the publisher? How ever will they follow up the massive changes which came from this monumental event? Well, fear not intrepid reader, we have the answer for you and that answer is, The New NEW 52!
With more epic changes than the average, cynical, jaded reader could point a Mego at, we’re re-launching every title with a brand new Number One every month! Now with even less story and more exposition and splash pages, The New NEW 52 is ready to shock the world of comics again by promising to kill off every character, every month before bringing them back in increasingly outlandish and ill-conceived ways. You say you want epic events? Do ya? Then you’re going to love our New NEW 52 mega event, “The Death, Fire, Explosions and More Death Before Everything Eventually Returns to Normal War!” Because everyone loves the word ‘War’ in a title, am I right?
In our grandiose tale, a villain comes to Earth and wants to do something bad, but then some heroes don’t like that, so they start fighting them before fighting each other and then some guys die (but not really) but then they really do die, and then stuff explodes and the world ends (but not really) and…well, we haven’t quite worked out the details yet, but we do know that it’s going to last for 365 super compelling issues!
You heard right, Fanboy, we’re going to release one issue, every day, with a star-studded cast of creators who haven’t worked for a while and who can’t possibly keep up with their deadlines. But we don’t care. Because you don’t care. It’s an event! You have to buy it, right?
Some of these insanely fantastic new titles you get to spend your hard-earned money on include:
- Bat-Person – We’re breaking down the walls of sexism and stereotyping and making Batman a chick! In the most exciting shake up in comic book history and for no apparent reason, Robin is now a hermaphrodite, Joker is now a Hispanic, cross-dressing lesbian and Commissioner Gordon is, well, still Commissioner Gordon but now with abs!
- Justice League of Affordable Housing – Forced to downsize, the League moves into a granny flat down the back of the Kents’ property. Wonder Woman gets a job as a waitress and Batman acts like a dick about it all.
- Superman – Having completely run out of ideas about two decades ago, we’ve radically reinvented Superman with a man bun. That’s right, Superman is hip. He’s current. He’s sporting a faddy haircut which will surely date him terribly in about three weeks, but we don’t care! Additionally, we’ve changed his entire history without really explaining anything, but he does have a man bun!
- Deathstroke, The Exterminator – Facing a comic book universe where everyone is a homicidal maniac (Snyder’s Superman anyone?) Slade Wilson decides to hang up his sword and become an exterminator for real—an actual pest exterminator. His first target? Cockroaches. Brought to you by a novelist you’ve never heard of and a guy who draws guns really well, we’re going to waste their talents on a title which will probably only last five issues. Tops.
- Martian Manhunter – J’onn finally embraces his name and cruises the gay bars of New York looking for companionship. A tender tale of alien love which really should have been a Vertigo title and written by someone who is desperately trying to impress Alan Moore.
- Wolverine – We don’t even own this character but we’re going to print it anyway and make a crap load of dough before the inevitable lawsuit shuts us down.
With the rest of our 52 titles taken up with, frankly baffling choices and Batman spin-offs (Bat-Fetus, anyone?) we’re looking to take the publishing world by storm and make Marvel look like Malibu Comics. With a promise that you won’t pay more than a reasonably-priced sports car per issue, we also guarantee that every single title will be turned into an over-produced movie directed by one of the extras from Game Of Thrones!
We’re not the New 52, we’re the New NEW 52 and we’re making comics for you!