The Ten: Video Game Man-Crushes!

Who, in the glorious expansive world of video games, do you most want to be like?  What character’s attributes (physical, personality, ability) would you most want to take on as your own?  Close your eyes and picture yourself kicking demon/baddie/vampire/zombie ass.  What do you look like?  Are you wielding a sword the size of a deep freeze or shooting electricity out of your bi-focals?  Do you have long flowing Nordic blonde locks or a shaved head and a beard like hip-hop Joaquin Phoenix?  The image you’re developing is being drawn from one, if not many of the video game man-crushes you’ve developed over time.  We can’t help it…  It’s admiration and more.  It’s a connection.  It’s our inner hero (or villain, maybe) manifesting itself in the form of pixels and calculated button mashing.

I note that this is not a list of all time bad-ass characters, so before anyone says, “Where the hell is Kratos?” know that he’s not here.  The “god of war” is indeed an awesome game character, but let’s face it, he looks like he might drink Cabo Wabo and order pay-per-view MMA.  This is simply a list of my personal man-crushes in video games.  Man-crush to you might just mean favorite, but to me it’s simply about particular traits and attributes that appeal to my inner hero, and the characters that possess them.

10.              Jimmy Needles – Timesplitters 2

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So who knows about my man Mr. Needles?  Gangster assassin, white fedora, ace henchman of Big Tony, and sprays a Tommy gun like a thumb-covered garden hose all across 1930’s Chicago.  He’s my go-to guy in one of my all time favorite games.  A barely there character in the game campaign, but as far as multi-player FPSs go, he’ll always have a special place in my heart.

9.            Solid Snake – Metal Gear

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He has mustache… and it’s a GOOD mustache (I’m not even so sure I need to go any further, but I will).  He has gadgets galore, makes an eye patch look GQ, rocks the pants off a completely unnecessary but oh-so-bold headband, and could infiltrate a shag carpet fortress wearing a green-man suit made of Velcro.

8.            Marcus Fenix – Gears of War

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He’s a brute, sheer power and brawn.  There’s no one better to lead you into a sh*tstorm if your preference is heading out the other side smelling like a rose.  He’s built like a pissed Ferrigno and runs down foe like Urlacher… with a machine gun… attached to a chainsaw.  He’s striking, he’s savage… he has a soul patch.

7.            Jago – Killer Instinct

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Think you’re a good ninja?  Try making a martial arts living fighting a mammoth robot with a pony tail, a two headed Cyclops monster from another dimension, a ‘roided boxer the size of Michael Clarke Duncan, a human fireball that only does one move, or a gosh darn carnivorous DINOSAUR!  Yes, Jago is the ultimate underdog who has the ability to summon a falling car out of the sky onto a deserving enemy — via mediation.  Monk-like zen and jungle cat agility. (I’m looking at you, Orchid)

6            Max Payne – Max Payne

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I think the obvious probably needs to be said.  There’s no Marky Mark in a turtleneck here, just a regular guy dealing out justice and vengeance, one drug dealing scumbag at a time.  He’s flawed and broken, and maybe a wee bit dependent on painkillers… but Payne is gritty and uncompromising.  He’s a classic dealer of noir style payback who knows his way around a leather jacket and a bottle of extreme hold LA Looks.

5.             Ezio – Assassins Creed II

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It’s hard to decide where to start.  There’s the armor, signature hood, and double hidden blades.  He’s suave like Bond and talks like Antonio Banderas. He’ll scale a wall like Spiderman but doesn’t need the sticky stuff, just bare hands and boots.  He’s pals with Leonardo da Vinci for crying out loud, and is carrying on the family business quite admirably.

4.            Nathan Drake – Uncharted

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He’s an everyman.  Accessible, sarcastic, and funny with an unquenchable thirst for adventure.  A blue jeans kind of guy who show’s he’s comfortable enough in his manhood to occasionally dawn a fashionable scarf while engaging in fisticuffs, laying down cover fire, or spelunking.

3.            Leon S. Kennedy – Resident Evil

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Rest assured, it’s tough having bangs like Leon and still pulling off the level of bad-ass and manliness he exudes.  Let’s face it, I love this series, and Resident Evil 4, for me, is maybe the greatest video game of all time… so he was going to end up on this list.  He’s cool in all aspects and is clearly built for success, going from rookie cop to government agent extraordinaire sent to save the daughter of the President of the United States, in no time flat.

2.            Dante – Devil May Cry

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He’s the ultimate dispatcher of devils.  He’s pedal to the metal, wears a trench coat like a Doc Holliday half-demon, and does so shirtless, showing he not only slays hell spawn but is immune to pesky chafe-age.   He’s got dual pistols called “Ebony & Ivory” and a sword called “Sparda”.  Imagine a combination of David Bowie and Sting (the wrestler, not The Police frontman) but with magical demon powers, spells, weapons etc.

1.            Chris Redfield – Resident Evil

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With my affinity for the series, you probably knew this was coming, you probably just didn’t know who’d win the Chris vs. Leon showdown.  The fact is — I’ve always been a Chris guy.  He started it all.  He is the RPD, he is STARS, he is survival horror.  He taught me how to take out a zombie the right way.  He taught me to conserve ammo, to take ‘em to the ground and go melee.  He taught me to be wary of dogs, plants, and even crows.  He taught me the benefits of multi-colored herb alchemy.  He’s on my Zombie genre Mt. Rushmore.  He’s a combination of all the above, he has it all.  Chris Redfield is THE man.

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I’d like to wrap up my first contribution to THE TEN on a bit of a sidebar.  It may sound strange, but lists are important to me.  Anyone who knows me well is aware that my favorite movie of all time (and it’s not even close for me, folks) is High Fidelity.  In said film, lists are a big part of the every day life of the protagonist and his pals for the reason that he best explains via this paraphrased narration,

“…what really matters is what you like, not what you are like.  Books, records, films — these things matter. Call me shallow, it’s the f***in’ truth”.

I LOVE this line, for so many reasons, but mainly because it speaks to why all this seemingly minute stuff that we invest our time, money, and care in, is so important.  Life is about connections and conversations.  It’s about relating to others through shared feelings.  It’s about seeking out answers to life’s infinite mysteries through the exploration of art, both independently, and more importantly, with others.  So I encourage you, any of you who read these lists-o-ten, to chime in.  Let us know your 10.  Let’s compare.  I imagine we’ll see some similarities, and a whole lot of differences, and I look forward to those the most.

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